So now what?

Well here it goes, a more personal blog post than I usually do.

Let's be honest, I don't blog often enough to make that statement but I am making it anyway.

I am having a bit of an identity crisis.  I am too young for this teenage angst and not yet old enough to be having a mid-life crisis, yet here I am, experiencing both.

Let me explain

Since leaving home right after high school graduation, I have always been on the move. I spent 4 years in college, then got married. My husband and I moved from one community to another over the first 4 years, but always within the same general area. In this time I had four different jobs, all within the same field, always experiencing a 'promotion' with each job.

Then we had our son and felt the need to live closer to family, so we made our first provincial move as a couple, from British Columbia to Manitoba. Over the next three years we moved twice in Manitoba. I got my first pastoral job, and boy was it a job. It was amazing and frustrating and scary and exhilarating all at the same time. Looking back I was awfully inexperienced to be running such a large department and at times it showed. It was a breathtakingly painful experience to work in that church. The pressure, leadership, friendship and grace were intense at times but in the end it was not a fantastic fit for me or my family, and we found ourselves moving provinces again.

This time we landed in Saskatchewan, where I worked at one church and my husband took a job at another one. We both loved what we were doing and where we were. We were developing friendships and a community until the unexpected happened. My husband was offered an amazing opportunity in Montreal, and we just had to let him take it. This left my son and I alone in SK keeping on with life in the most normal way we could. This continued for two years, until his employer offered him a permanent position and we decided to move to Montreal, ending our 4 years in SK.

Fast forward to today. We have now been in Montreal for just over three years and if you have been paying attention, 3-4 years is the longest we tend to stay in any one place. We have had the same house, church, and school for 3 years. I have already started and finished a master's degree and am starting a PhD this week.

So here is where the identity crisis starts. I don't know how to live in place past 4 years. How does one stay in a place that long? How do I take those friendships and turn them into deeper friendships? How do I challenge myself in an employment that is starting to feel like the 'same old thing'? I think that starting my PhD will help keep me challenged and excited and in many ways it will, but in some ways it won't. More schooling does not have the same excitement as starting again. There is a thrill in applying for jobs, selling homes and moving. But I know that there is a sadness and stress in them too.

I don't know how to survive in a place once the excitement has worn off. And worse than that, I don't know how to survive in a place when my polish has worn off and the others around me can see my short comings.

This lack of long term experience in a place is freaking me right out. I just want to quit everything that I am doing and pack up and move. The question is where would we go? And for what reason? Could I do that to my pre-teen son? Could I move him again when he is just really starting to make great friendships here.

I can't. I know I can't.

I guess that means I need to learn how to put down roots in a place. I need to learn how to not fear failure, knowing that I can't run away from it. Not this time. Not right now at least.

Not right now.

Surprised by care

I was completely surprised the other day when I put what I thought was a pretty harmless and rhetorical question on Facebook about how tired I was. I expected few responses. At most I thought I would jokes about how much coffee I drink and how being a parent is just a tiring job. Boy was I wrong!
Suggestions poured out of my friends like water from the faucet. To be honest I was a little overwhelmed at first, but then I saw the suggestions for what they really were. Care. Each question and comment was wrapped in genuine care for my well-being. Each comment that said "I've been there..." also said "You can do this." Each suggestion was a helping hand from a friend who wants me to succeed.

So I was totally surprised and a little overwhelmed but very, very appreciative.

First day as a teaching assistant

Well here goes nothing. This is my first day as a teaching assistant (well since high school, but that doesn't really count). I am excited and a little nervous all at the same time. I don't really know what to think or how it is going to go. Really I am going to be the one doing very little for most of the class. I will help with marking, class prep if the teacher wants and I may present my thesis project at some point. It will be an interesting class to sit in on. It is Toy, media and children's popular culture.  Right up my alley. The class will have about 60 students and it is in a lecture hall. My undergrad experience was very different from that, so I am curious to see how it turns out.

I'll report back later!

Peace.

Crazy productive day

Have you ever had one of those days where you are so productive that it makes you questions what you are going wrong every other day of your life? Well today was one of those days for me. I started the day with a bit a of a sleep in, I only got out of bed at 8:00 but I was feeling refreshed and after half a pot of coffee I ready to face the day. During my coffee drinking I checked my email, reading the positive and constructive feedback my supervisor gave me on my PhD application letter. I got quickly to work updating the letter with her suggestions and sent the next draft back to her and my reference letter writers before 10:00. 

That's when I hit the upstairs of my house, assembling two Billy book cases from Ikea, placing all the books on the shelves and vacuuming the entire floor. Okay, not the entire floor, I have not made it to my bedroom yet, that is a project that will take a different day. This was no small feat and it took me until almost 2:00 with only a brief lunch break with my son. 

Next was the main floor, it needed to be vacuumed so badly! We have two small dogs and between the dog hair, paw prints from the constant rain and left over pine needles from the Christmas tree it was disgusting. So, by the time 4:00 rolled around I had vacuumed and mopped the first floor, tackled my kitchen and got supper going. 

Now all of this to say that I have absolutely no idea why some days are so good and others I can barely keep the family in clean clothing! I never know when these days are going to hit, but I sure do love it when they do. 

I've try to examine the days leading up to a super productive day. wondering if there is something that I can pin point as a trigger, and I have yet to find anything. I wish I could. I wish I could bottle this energy and save it for another day. More than that I wish I could reproduce it and use it when my to-do list is getting long. But alas, I can't. So now I must just try to keep the momentum going. 

But not tonight. It is almost 7:00 p.m. and my supper is done, kitchen is clean, (dishwasher timer set) next load of laundry is in and my feet are up. I'm about to log into Don't Starve Together to kill the next hour playing before I should get my son started on his bed time routine.  

Can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring for productivity!!

Peace

8 ways I am "nickle and diming" my way to fewer expenses (part one)

Okay as some of you know, I am a student right now and I am not working much (a few sub shifts here and there) so as you can imagine money gets tight now and again.  So my husband and I decided, even before I started school, we were going to do our best to live on less.  It is almost a bit of a social experiment for us, and I have to say it has been working.  There are a few minor ways that I have cut back that are saving us some actual money. Now when I say 'actual  money' I don't mean thousands, I actually mean nickles and dimes but over the last year I have noticed a return for my efforts which is more than I can say for most of my money saving efforts over the years.

Part one of these money saving efforts revolve around food and food choices, as I find that is a very tangible place to save a few bucks if you are willing to put the effort in.

1. I don't buy pre-packaged yogurt any more.  Seems simple, but I buy tubs of yogurt and send my son with a reusable container filled with 4 oz of yogurt everyday in his lunch. I hated doing this at first.  It is so easy to buy the individual servings and I hate creating more dishes to wash, but I end up saving a buck or two each grocery bill and the landfill from a few less containers (or recycling bin). I have to say, I thought my son would loss each and everyone of those reusable containers but he has not lost one...yet.

2. I keep a well stocked pantry.  This was the hardest for me as it seemed so counter-intuitive.  When items go on sale, and I am referring to a really good sale, not just a few cents off, I purchase as many of them as I can store (spending more at once than I like to), creating a well stocked pantry.  But that limits how many times I will have to buy that item when it is not on sale.  Saving me money.  This isn't always easy, as I have limited space to store things, but I try.  I do love looking at all of the flyers, so I often will shop at more than one store to get all the sale items, but if I do it well, it doesn't cost much extra in gas (as most of our shops are within 2km).  I have also discovered that items go on a 'good' sale about once every six weeks, so I try to pick up what I would use in six weeks.  My sister always makes fun of me for my 'back up' items in my pantry but I know why I do it and I am super glad that I do!

3. I cook for left overs...and we have started using them.  We used to be so bad at using leftovers, they would go yucky in my fridge, while I'd be cooking new meals each day and eating out for lunches.  Well as you can imagine that is a HUGE waste of food and money.  So now I cook with the intention of having left overs for both lunches and suppers.  My classes are night classes, so the boys fend for themselves for three suppers a week, which is made much easier when they know that there is 'scoop and nuke' in the fridge (our nickname for left overs).  We rarely eat out anymore and that even includes popping out for coffee, which leads me to number 4

4. We bought a burr grinder for our coffee habit.  We drink a lot of coffee, a lot of whole bean, organic, fairly traded coffee, which can get pricey. (this is one of those items in #2 that I buy lots of when it hits a really good sale).  We used to go through about a pound a week when we used a blade grinder but we thought that we should up the quality of the grind and try a burr grinder and not only are we getting a bit of a better taste, we are using way less coffee! Now we are going through approximately 1/2 to 3/4 pound a week this adds up big time.  Another we have started saving with our coffee is we now order it in 2 pound bags through our church.  The company is Just Us! Coffee and they have a wonderful selection of coffees, teas, chocolates and sugar to be purchased.  Great product for a great cause.  Please check out there WEBSITE

Okay, so that is part one how I am currently saving money, as little as it is.  I will post part two with 4 more ways  (non-food related ways) that we have trimmed the expenses.  If you have ways that you have found helpful in saving a few bucks, please share them with me! With the current economy every penny...oh yeah no more pennies, every nickle counts!

Two dairy free 'Christmas' recipes I just have to share

Okay everyone, so we know that Christmas is over but I still have TON of baking left over in my house.  Much got nibbled on, some got tossed (unfortunate I know, but there is only so many shortbread cookies one can eat) and some got given away.  But there are a few I just am not ready to get rid of yet.  So I thought if I love the treats so much I can't part with them, then I should at least share the recipes!

The first is a dairy free caramels recipe, that I found here Vegan Caramels.
I have tried several recipes over the years with different dairy alternatives and this one gave me the absolute best caramel.  I followed the directions exactly, which I almost NEVER do, but I was desperate for home-made turtles so I sucked it up, read the recipe and pulled out my candy thermometer.  It is well worth it.  I know that everyone would tell me to use a coconut milk recipe, but I tried and I couldn't find one I liked.  So soy milk it is.
Once I knew that the caramel was going to solidify nicely, I quickly pressed in pecans and let it cool completely.  Once cooled I cut my sheet of pecan pressed caramel into small squared and hand dipped into melted dairy free dark chocolate and left to harden on parchment paper.  They are simply AMAZING!! I am keeping them in the freezer so that I don't all of them instantly and they are just as good frozen! What a great treat.

The other recipe is a dairy free 'Bailey's' Irish cream wanna-be that I found HERE. I was always a little sad when my friends and family could pour that sweet creamy goodness into their coffee during the holidays and I did not want to miss out any longer.  This recipe was surprising easy and so GOOD! According to my husband, it is almost as good as the real thing, but seeing I don't know what the real thing taste like, I am just happy that it is so delicious.  There are a few differences from the dairy to non-dairy versions.  First, you have to keep the non-dairy in the fridge and you don't (well we don't) have to keep the Bailey's in the fridge. And secondly, the cream in the coconut milk will float to the top, while the whiskey will sink to the bottom, so you need to give it a good shake before you pour it into your coffee.
I have to say, this will be a yearly tradition because it is so yummy in coffee or on ice.  I will make it again!

So there you have it, two great and pretty easy dairy free treats.

ENJOY!

Confessions of a nervous Nelly

Okay, I'll admit it, I am a nervous Nelly.  I get nervous doing silly little things, like finishing a blog post (what if no one reads it ? ... or worse, what if someone reads it and hates it?). I get nervous answering the phone (what if it is someone calling with really bad news?) and getting the mail (what if there is an unexpected bill in there?) I even get nervous taking a new route on the bus for the first time  (because we all know that I could end up going in the wrong direction).

I tend to be okay with the bigger events in life, things that I am able to control, like applying for jobs, interviewing and going back to school.  These are activities that I have some level of control over, things that I can put into my calendar and prep for. These activities still make me nervous  but in a different sort of way. I find them way easier to deal with then unknown that comes with the little things. And there are times that I let the little things paralyze me.  My mail sits in the box a few extra days, the phone goes straight to voice mail on numbers that I don't know and my blog posts sit un-posted.

But not any more.  I will not have the extra time or emotional energy to feed into this nervousness when school starts in a week.  More than that I do not believe that people are created to live in fear and anxiety, yet we are all suffer with it in different ways over different things.  It is not a new problem, brought on by increasing technology, societal pressures or recession, this is a problem that has been around for centuries and will continue to be around for centuries to come.  So what can be done?  Well for starters I am following the writings of the Apostle Paul as he wrote in Philippians 4:4-8:

   4  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

There are so many good reminders in these verses to help combat those nagging fears! For me these verses boil down to shifting my focus from myself and my fears, to Christ and all of the great things he has done and will continue to do.  Now that is so easy to say, but so hard to do when the bank account is dwindling, the phone is ringing and the mailbox is full.  So I am starting small, I am working on seeing the little things each day, the things that I can offer thanksgiving for as I offer my requests to God.  Little things that make me smile, that touch my heart, that make me laugh, that cause me to rejoice.  Some days it is as simple as a hot cup of good coffee in the morning and other days it is my wonderful family that cause me to rejoice.  I will try not beat myself up too much on the days that I fail to see all of the amazing gifts around me, I will just repent, repeat the verses to myself and start over, rejoicing in the little things.

I know I will still have times when the mail sits in the box, the phone will go straight to voicemail and I will start more blog posts than I will ever finish, but God has grace for that.   He has enough grace to cover my fear, to reassure me with the peace that transcends all understanding and to give me strength each day to look for the little things which lead me to rejoice in him.