Confessions of a nervous Nelly

Okay, I'll admit it, I am a nervous Nelly.  I get nervous doing silly little things, like finishing a blog post (what if no one reads it ? ... or worse, what if someone reads it and hates it?). I get nervous answering the phone (what if it is someone calling with really bad news?) and getting the mail (what if there is an unexpected bill in there?) I even get nervous taking a new route on the bus for the first time  (because we all know that I could end up going in the wrong direction).

I tend to be okay with the bigger events in life, things that I am able to control, like applying for jobs, interviewing and going back to school.  These are activities that I have some level of control over, things that I can put into my calendar and prep for. These activities still make me nervous  but in a different sort of way. I find them way easier to deal with then unknown that comes with the little things. And there are times that I let the little things paralyze me.  My mail sits in the box a few extra days, the phone goes straight to voice mail on numbers that I don't know and my blog posts sit un-posted.

But not any more.  I will not have the extra time or emotional energy to feed into this nervousness when school starts in a week.  More than that I do not believe that people are created to live in fear and anxiety, yet we are all suffer with it in different ways over different things.  It is not a new problem, brought on by increasing technology, societal pressures or recession, this is a problem that has been around for centuries and will continue to be around for centuries to come.  So what can be done?  Well for starters I am following the writings of the Apostle Paul as he wrote in Philippians 4:4-8:

   4  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

There are so many good reminders in these verses to help combat those nagging fears! For me these verses boil down to shifting my focus from myself and my fears, to Christ and all of the great things he has done and will continue to do.  Now that is so easy to say, but so hard to do when the bank account is dwindling, the phone is ringing and the mailbox is full.  So I am starting small, I am working on seeing the little things each day, the things that I can offer thanksgiving for as I offer my requests to God.  Little things that make me smile, that touch my heart, that make me laugh, that cause me to rejoice.  Some days it is as simple as a hot cup of good coffee in the morning and other days it is my wonderful family that cause me to rejoice.  I will try not beat myself up too much on the days that I fail to see all of the amazing gifts around me, I will just repent, repeat the verses to myself and start over, rejoicing in the little things.

I know I will still have times when the mail sits in the box, the phone will go straight to voicemail and I will start more blog posts than I will ever finish, but God has grace for that.   He has enough grace to cover my fear, to reassure me with the peace that transcends all understanding and to give me strength each day to look for the little things which lead me to rejoice in him.

Leaving is hard work

I'm going to say it again, leaving is hard work. And leaving a job for 8 months is just way too long. After a while people don't want your opinion any more, they don't want you to be in your job, and yet they don't want you to not do you job either. They just want you to be someone else doing your job, or just you staying, not leaving. 

Well that is where I find myself. After a long day of conversations, some planned, some not, some friendly, some less friendly all I can say is that leaving is hard. After 8 months you have to not care as much about what happens after you leave. I find that incredibly hard. I joke around about not caring, I'll even make jokes about it, but I care. I care too much. I find that I am crying almost everyday, sad to be leaving.  Sad to be making the families go through another transition. Mad at different situations. Scared to death about where I'm headed. Tired from years of over work and emotional strain. Nervous about finances. Frustrated that my 8 months of notice didn't get my employer any further along to filling my position than 2 months would have, or so it seems. 

I am also excited in this transition too. Excited to be moving to Montreal. Thrilled to soon be living with my husband again. Hopeful about what God has instore for my employment there.  Desiring friendships half as good as the ones I made here. 

So I sigh and remind myself that leaving is hard work, but it is fun and scary and crazy and sad too. All at the same time, and that is ok. 

Muffins done.

So I volunteered to make muffins and granola bars for a staff planning day tomorrow at work. I really enjoy baking, and I've loved my job but things recently have just seemed off. I handed in my resignation months ago because I am joining my husband in Montreal at the end of June and it usually takes a long time to fill a job like mine. 

So 8 months is a long time to be leaving a job. And it also means I hear all of the praising and complaining that happens  about a person and position when they leave, but I'm still here. It is not easy. 

I have realized today (not for the first time) that my  identity is all wrapped up in my job and in people liking me. Hence the fact I offered to bring muffins. My thought was this, "if I'm sucking at my job (which I dont think anyone would say that I am) at least I can bring muffins. I can do that right". 

But I even feel like I am sucking at that these days. 

I don't know what is wrong. My identity should be in my faith in God, the skills and abilities that he has given me and in the relationships that I have with the poeple who love me. 

Not sure how to get there at this moment. But I'm trying.