So now what?

Well here it goes, a more personal blog post than I usually do.

Let's be honest, I don't blog often enough to make that statement but I am making it anyway.

I am having a bit of an identity crisis.  I am too young for this teenage angst and not yet old enough to be having a mid-life crisis, yet here I am, experiencing both.

Let me explain

Since leaving home right after high school graduation, I have always been on the move. I spent 4 years in college, then got married. My husband and I moved from one community to another over the first 4 years, but always within the same general area. In this time I had four different jobs, all within the same field, always experiencing a 'promotion' with each job.

Then we had our son and felt the need to live closer to family, so we made our first provincial move as a couple, from British Columbia to Manitoba. Over the next three years we moved twice in Manitoba. I got my first pastoral job, and boy was it a job. It was amazing and frustrating and scary and exhilarating all at the same time. Looking back I was awfully inexperienced to be running such a large department and at times it showed. It was a breathtakingly painful experience to work in that church. The pressure, leadership, friendship and grace were intense at times but in the end it was not a fantastic fit for me or my family, and we found ourselves moving provinces again.

This time we landed in Saskatchewan, where I worked at one church and my husband took a job at another one. We both loved what we were doing and where we were. We were developing friendships and a community until the unexpected happened. My husband was offered an amazing opportunity in Montreal, and we just had to let him take it. This left my son and I alone in SK keeping on with life in the most normal way we could. This continued for two years, until his employer offered him a permanent position and we decided to move to Montreal, ending our 4 years in SK.

Fast forward to today. We have now been in Montreal for just over three years and if you have been paying attention, 3-4 years is the longest we tend to stay in any one place. We have had the same house, church, and school for 3 years. I have already started and finished a master's degree and am starting a PhD this week.

So here is where the identity crisis starts. I don't know how to live in place past 4 years. How does one stay in a place that long? How do I take those friendships and turn them into deeper friendships? How do I challenge myself in an employment that is starting to feel like the 'same old thing'? I think that starting my PhD will help keep me challenged and excited and in many ways it will, but in some ways it won't. More schooling does not have the same excitement as starting again. There is a thrill in applying for jobs, selling homes and moving. But I know that there is a sadness and stress in them too.

I don't know how to survive in a place once the excitement has worn off. And worse than that, I don't know how to survive in a place when my polish has worn off and the others around me can see my short comings.

This lack of long term experience in a place is freaking me right out. I just want to quit everything that I am doing and pack up and move. The question is where would we go? And for what reason? Could I do that to my pre-teen son? Could I move him again when he is just really starting to make great friendships here.

I can't. I know I can't.

I guess that means I need to learn how to put down roots in a place. I need to learn how to not fear failure, knowing that I can't run away from it. Not this time. Not right now at least.

Not right now.

Raise a glass to the lonely

Ok, so many of you know that I recently moved (again).  Things are going well.  I have been here almost a month now, our stuff has been here about a week and a half (don't ask that is a very long story) and I have done a ton of painting to get the house how I like it.  I will write a post soon about my first impressions of the house, seeing I was very concerned that I wouldn't like it, seeing my husband picked it out without me getting to come and see it before we purchased it.  But tonight I want to talk about something else.  Tonight I want to write about my first party.  We hosted our first pool 'party' tonight with about 10 of Nathan's co-workers and their families and it was fun.  I had a pretty good time meeting new people, preparing food and pouring drinks.  It was a neat experience listening to these adults (and their children) switching seamlessly between English and French depending on who they were talking to.  It made me realize that I am so far from bilingual and I so desperately wish that I had paid more attention in French class in high school and made much more of an effort to keep up with the French that I did learn.  Nothing is more humbling than a 5 year old switching to English because he knows that you don't speak French.
But I am rambling.  I wanted to raise a glass to the lonely.  There were two other ladies at this BBQ this afternoon, one local girl and another 'import' like me.  It was very easy to tell who was who.  Although all three of us got a long very well and always had something to talk about, the two of us who are not from around here clung to every word that was shared like it was a life line.  Almost as if each exchange was like an olive branch, telling us that it will be ok, that the waters of loneliness will recede in time.  The other 'import', Lisa, and I are going to try to get together again on Wednesday evening.  I always forget how much time it takes for adults to be friends.  So this evening we unknowingly raised a glass to new friendships, maybe on Wednesday we will raise one intentionally, and who knows, it just maybe the start of a beautiful friendship.

My conversation

Tonight I'm enjoying a glass of red wine after a long day, including an extra French class. Yup I take a community French class. I don't really enjoy it. But it gets the job done, I'll tell you more about that later.
I was frustrated today with life, needing a sitter, sticking in an extra class, not getting to hang out with my son. I just didn't want to do all the activities I needed to tonight. Then I dropped my son off at the sitter, a wonderful mom from church. My son had a great time and we had a wonderful conversation. She is so open, caring and hospitable that I walked away from our 45 minute conversation feeling refreshed, loved and encouraged.
I hope that our conversation gave her a fraction of the encouragement that I received.
Thank you Diane



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