So now what?

Well here it goes, a more personal blog post than I usually do.

Let's be honest, I don't blog often enough to make that statement but I am making it anyway.

I am having a bit of an identity crisis.  I am too young for this teenage angst and not yet old enough to be having a mid-life crisis, yet here I am, experiencing both.

Let me explain

Since leaving home right after high school graduation, I have always been on the move. I spent 4 years in college, then got married. My husband and I moved from one community to another over the first 4 years, but always within the same general area. In this time I had four different jobs, all within the same field, always experiencing a 'promotion' with each job.

Then we had our son and felt the need to live closer to family, so we made our first provincial move as a couple, from British Columbia to Manitoba. Over the next three years we moved twice in Manitoba. I got my first pastoral job, and boy was it a job. It was amazing and frustrating and scary and exhilarating all at the same time. Looking back I was awfully inexperienced to be running such a large department and at times it showed. It was a breathtakingly painful experience to work in that church. The pressure, leadership, friendship and grace were intense at times but in the end it was not a fantastic fit for me or my family, and we found ourselves moving provinces again.

This time we landed in Saskatchewan, where I worked at one church and my husband took a job at another one. We both loved what we were doing and where we were. We were developing friendships and a community until the unexpected happened. My husband was offered an amazing opportunity in Montreal, and we just had to let him take it. This left my son and I alone in SK keeping on with life in the most normal way we could. This continued for two years, until his employer offered him a permanent position and we decided to move to Montreal, ending our 4 years in SK.

Fast forward to today. We have now been in Montreal for just over three years and if you have been paying attention, 3-4 years is the longest we tend to stay in any one place. We have had the same house, church, and school for 3 years. I have already started and finished a master's degree and am starting a PhD this week.

So here is where the identity crisis starts. I don't know how to live in place past 4 years. How does one stay in a place that long? How do I take those friendships and turn them into deeper friendships? How do I challenge myself in an employment that is starting to feel like the 'same old thing'? I think that starting my PhD will help keep me challenged and excited and in many ways it will, but in some ways it won't. More schooling does not have the same excitement as starting again. There is a thrill in applying for jobs, selling homes and moving. But I know that there is a sadness and stress in them too.

I don't know how to survive in a place once the excitement has worn off. And worse than that, I don't know how to survive in a place when my polish has worn off and the others around me can see my short comings.

This lack of long term experience in a place is freaking me right out. I just want to quit everything that I am doing and pack up and move. The question is where would we go? And for what reason? Could I do that to my pre-teen son? Could I move him again when he is just really starting to make great friendships here.

I can't. I know I can't.

I guess that means I need to learn how to put down roots in a place. I need to learn how to not fear failure, knowing that I can't run away from it. Not this time. Not right now at least.

Not right now.

Is bigger better?

My husband and I are moving, again. We have moved more than 9 times in our 12 years of marriage and at this point have owned 4 different houses. We have lived in three different provinces so far and are moving to a fourth.

 I am tired of moving.

 With each move is a fresh start, but not before the sad good byes. With each new job comes new challenges and new failures. With each new house comes a fresh coat of paint and many new struggles. 

My husband and I don't always agree on housing, we like different things. I think that's pretty normal.  We are currently trying to buy our 5th house. And this time is no exception when it comes to differing opinions. BUT this time comes with a strange twist. My husband is already living in the province that we are moving to, but I am not, so I have to completely trust him to pick the house. All I get are photos, a Skype tour and his word. So...I  trust him, completely, but it is nerve racking. It helps that we have one mutual goal in mind, lower our debt load and live a bit more simply. 

The house he has picked allows us to do that, while still having enough usable space to be comfortable. Not as much space as I would like (or so it seems from this distance) but enough. I struggle with the bigger is better idea. I really do think bigger is better. A bigger living room, a bigger bedroom, I'd almost kill for a bigger kitchen. I look at others around me with large new houses and I get jealous. I want the bigger and better house. 

But then I remember that with those 'biggers' often comes others, bigger mortgage payment, bigger debt, 'bigger' stress (especial when I'm not working yet). I have decided that smaller is better. Who cares if my Christmas decorations will be stored in the shed, or some of my precious memories will be crammed in the crawl space under the stairs. My canning supplies and freezer will survive in the heated garage. 

My house will be full, but so will my heart.