So now what?

Well here it goes, a more personal blog post than I usually do.

Let's be honest, I don't blog often enough to make that statement but I am making it anyway.

I am having a bit of an identity crisis.  I am too young for this teenage angst and not yet old enough to be having a mid-life crisis, yet here I am, experiencing both.

Let me explain

Since leaving home right after high school graduation, I have always been on the move. I spent 4 years in college, then got married. My husband and I moved from one community to another over the first 4 years, but always within the same general area. In this time I had four different jobs, all within the same field, always experiencing a 'promotion' with each job.

Then we had our son and felt the need to live closer to family, so we made our first provincial move as a couple, from British Columbia to Manitoba. Over the next three years we moved twice in Manitoba. I got my first pastoral job, and boy was it a job. It was amazing and frustrating and scary and exhilarating all at the same time. Looking back I was awfully inexperienced to be running such a large department and at times it showed. It was a breathtakingly painful experience to work in that church. The pressure, leadership, friendship and grace were intense at times but in the end it was not a fantastic fit for me or my family, and we found ourselves moving provinces again.

This time we landed in Saskatchewan, where I worked at one church and my husband took a job at another one. We both loved what we were doing and where we were. We were developing friendships and a community until the unexpected happened. My husband was offered an amazing opportunity in Montreal, and we just had to let him take it. This left my son and I alone in SK keeping on with life in the most normal way we could. This continued for two years, until his employer offered him a permanent position and we decided to move to Montreal, ending our 4 years in SK.

Fast forward to today. We have now been in Montreal for just over three years and if you have been paying attention, 3-4 years is the longest we tend to stay in any one place. We have had the same house, church, and school for 3 years. I have already started and finished a master's degree and am starting a PhD this week.

So here is where the identity crisis starts. I don't know how to live in place past 4 years. How does one stay in a place that long? How do I take those friendships and turn them into deeper friendships? How do I challenge myself in an employment that is starting to feel like the 'same old thing'? I think that starting my PhD will help keep me challenged and excited and in many ways it will, but in some ways it won't. More schooling does not have the same excitement as starting again. There is a thrill in applying for jobs, selling homes and moving. But I know that there is a sadness and stress in them too.

I don't know how to survive in a place once the excitement has worn off. And worse than that, I don't know how to survive in a place when my polish has worn off and the others around me can see my short comings.

This lack of long term experience in a place is freaking me right out. I just want to quit everything that I am doing and pack up and move. The question is where would we go? And for what reason? Could I do that to my pre-teen son? Could I move him again when he is just really starting to make great friendships here.

I can't. I know I can't.

I guess that means I need to learn how to put down roots in a place. I need to learn how to not fear failure, knowing that I can't run away from it. Not this time. Not right now at least.

Not right now.

Surprised by care

I was completely surprised the other day when I put what I thought was a pretty harmless and rhetorical question on Facebook about how tired I was. I expected few responses. At most I thought I would jokes about how much coffee I drink and how being a parent is just a tiring job. Boy was I wrong!
Suggestions poured out of my friends like water from the faucet. To be honest I was a little overwhelmed at first, but then I saw the suggestions for what they really were. Care. Each question and comment was wrapped in genuine care for my well-being. Each comment that said "I've been there..." also said "You can do this." Each suggestion was a helping hand from a friend who wants me to succeed.

So I was totally surprised and a little overwhelmed but very, very appreciative.

Friendship

It seems to be hard to make really good friends as an adult. I mean the type of friend that you can text all of your frustrations, questions and jokes too, even when it is late or over super time. 

I have found some of those amazing friends these past years. 

I am going to miss them. 

But those type of friends don't go away easily. Yay! 

The past

Going home to my folks house for Christmas is always a great time. There is a ton of food, drink, friends and family. I used to enjoy connecting with old high school buddies and catching up. Spending late nights drinking coffee with school chums reminiscing about old days but over the last few years I have done less and less of that. I have almost avoided that social ciricut altogether. This year I didn't see anyone but family. And I enjoyed it, didn't think anything about it. Until I saw another two friends' Facebook posts about their visits with each other and others. And I instantly felt like a jerkface. One of them even spent an afternoon with MY grandfather. 

Wow. 

So here I am, back in Saskatoon not able to visit any of them right now feeling like the worst friend in the world and making pathetic attempts at connection by FB posts and messages. 

What I should be doing is trying to figure out why I am indifferent to seeing these old friends at this point in my life. Why don't I care? Do I think I'm better then them? No, that's not it, I truly love these people still. Do I think they are better than me? No, I think they still love me too. 

I think that I need to think more about this. But my guess is that my life over the last 1 1/2 years has been so draining on the emotional energy that I just don't have any to spare. It feels like I can barely keep up with the friends I have locally. That is a horrible excuse, but it is all I have for right now. 

I will think more about it. 

And let you know what I'll do about it. 

If anything.