So now what?

Well here it goes, a more personal blog post than I usually do.

Let's be honest, I don't blog often enough to make that statement but I am making it anyway.

I am having a bit of an identity crisis.  I am too young for this teenage angst and not yet old enough to be having a mid-life crisis, yet here I am, experiencing both.

Let me explain

Since leaving home right after high school graduation, I have always been on the move. I spent 4 years in college, then got married. My husband and I moved from one community to another over the first 4 years, but always within the same general area. In this time I had four different jobs, all within the same field, always experiencing a 'promotion' with each job.

Then we had our son and felt the need to live closer to family, so we made our first provincial move as a couple, from British Columbia to Manitoba. Over the next three years we moved twice in Manitoba. I got my first pastoral job, and boy was it a job. It was amazing and frustrating and scary and exhilarating all at the same time. Looking back I was awfully inexperienced to be running such a large department and at times it showed. It was a breathtakingly painful experience to work in that church. The pressure, leadership, friendship and grace were intense at times but in the end it was not a fantastic fit for me or my family, and we found ourselves moving provinces again.

This time we landed in Saskatchewan, where I worked at one church and my husband took a job at another one. We both loved what we were doing and where we were. We were developing friendships and a community until the unexpected happened. My husband was offered an amazing opportunity in Montreal, and we just had to let him take it. This left my son and I alone in SK keeping on with life in the most normal way we could. This continued for two years, until his employer offered him a permanent position and we decided to move to Montreal, ending our 4 years in SK.

Fast forward to today. We have now been in Montreal for just over three years and if you have been paying attention, 3-4 years is the longest we tend to stay in any one place. We have had the same house, church, and school for 3 years. I have already started and finished a master's degree and am starting a PhD this week.

So here is where the identity crisis starts. I don't know how to live in place past 4 years. How does one stay in a place that long? How do I take those friendships and turn them into deeper friendships? How do I challenge myself in an employment that is starting to feel like the 'same old thing'? I think that starting my PhD will help keep me challenged and excited and in many ways it will, but in some ways it won't. More schooling does not have the same excitement as starting again. There is a thrill in applying for jobs, selling homes and moving. But I know that there is a sadness and stress in them too.

I don't know how to survive in a place once the excitement has worn off. And worse than that, I don't know how to survive in a place when my polish has worn off and the others around me can see my short comings.

This lack of long term experience in a place is freaking me right out. I just want to quit everything that I am doing and pack up and move. The question is where would we go? And for what reason? Could I do that to my pre-teen son? Could I move him again when he is just really starting to make great friendships here.

I can't. I know I can't.

I guess that means I need to learn how to put down roots in a place. I need to learn how to not fear failure, knowing that I can't run away from it. Not this time. Not right now at least.

Not right now.

Surprised by care

I was completely surprised the other day when I put what I thought was a pretty harmless and rhetorical question on Facebook about how tired I was. I expected few responses. At most I thought I would jokes about how much coffee I drink and how being a parent is just a tiring job. Boy was I wrong!
Suggestions poured out of my friends like water from the faucet. To be honest I was a little overwhelmed at first, but then I saw the suggestions for what they really were. Care. Each question and comment was wrapped in genuine care for my well-being. Each comment that said "I've been there..." also said "You can do this." Each suggestion was a helping hand from a friend who wants me to succeed.

So I was totally surprised and a little overwhelmed but very, very appreciative.

First day as a teaching assistant

Well here goes nothing. This is my first day as a teaching assistant (well since high school, but that doesn't really count). I am excited and a little nervous all at the same time. I don't really know what to think or how it is going to go. Really I am going to be the one doing very little for most of the class. I will help with marking, class prep if the teacher wants and I may present my thesis project at some point. It will be an interesting class to sit in on. It is Toy, media and children's popular culture.  Right up my alley. The class will have about 60 students and it is in a lecture hall. My undergrad experience was very different from that, so I am curious to see how it turns out.

I'll report back later!

Peace.

Crazy productive day

Have you ever had one of those days where you are so productive that it makes you questions what you are going wrong every other day of your life? Well today was one of those days for me. I started the day with a bit a of a sleep in, I only got out of bed at 8:00 but I was feeling refreshed and after half a pot of coffee I ready to face the day. During my coffee drinking I checked my email, reading the positive and constructive feedback my supervisor gave me on my PhD application letter. I got quickly to work updating the letter with her suggestions and sent the next draft back to her and my reference letter writers before 10:00. 

That's when I hit the upstairs of my house, assembling two Billy book cases from Ikea, placing all the books on the shelves and vacuuming the entire floor. Okay, not the entire floor, I have not made it to my bedroom yet, that is a project that will take a different day. This was no small feat and it took me until almost 2:00 with only a brief lunch break with my son. 

Next was the main floor, it needed to be vacuumed so badly! We have two small dogs and between the dog hair, paw prints from the constant rain and left over pine needles from the Christmas tree it was disgusting. So, by the time 4:00 rolled around I had vacuumed and mopped the first floor, tackled my kitchen and got supper going. 

Now all of this to say that I have absolutely no idea why some days are so good and others I can barely keep the family in clean clothing! I never know when these days are going to hit, but I sure do love it when they do. 

I've try to examine the days leading up to a super productive day. wondering if there is something that I can pin point as a trigger, and I have yet to find anything. I wish I could. I wish I could bottle this energy and save it for another day. More than that I wish I could reproduce it and use it when my to-do list is getting long. But alas, I can't. So now I must just try to keep the momentum going. 

But not tonight. It is almost 7:00 p.m. and my supper is done, kitchen is clean, (dishwasher timer set) next load of laundry is in and my feet are up. I'm about to log into Don't Starve Together to kill the next hour playing before I should get my son started on his bed time routine.  

Can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring for productivity!!

Peace